My Little Girl

My Little Girl

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Somebody's Daughter... Somebody's Mother

The other day I watched my daughter sleep. It was early in the morning and I still had a little bit before I had to start getting ready for work, so I just brushed my fingers through her hair and watched her sleep. It was amazing. And somewhere in that time, I had a "moment": I was looking at someone's future mommy. Someday my little girl will look down at her baby and be filled with the same love I was at that moment.

The same love I have every day.

The same look and love that my mom had when she held me as a baby. And her mother to her, and her mother to her... It's probably been the same for every mother of a daughter for as far back as... well since the first daughter was born.

I haven't had a son, so I don't know what that feels like, but MAN! was that a powerful moment for me.

Mommies of little girls have this "whole 'nother thing" going on. We are mothers of mothers. We are the givers of life to those who will give life. We hold our daughters and love them with everything we have. But we know that someday someone will love them too and make them mommies. Someday--not today, but someday--we will be outranked by their son or daughter.

That makes me happy more than it makes me sad.

It makes me a little sad to know I will not always be her favorite person, or her most important person. I mean, yeah, I knew from the second I found out I was having a girl I was in for the biggest rollercoaster ride EVER! I knew she would "hate" me in her teenage years when I "just wouldn't understand," when I "just don't get it." Because yeah, I've never been there! haha I have dreaded those days since I heard "it's a girl," even knowing they are so far off in the future but will be here in the blink of an eye. So it's not like I ever expected to be her favorite person for her whole entire life or anything like that. But I gotta admit, it's different thinking all together to think about how there will be these other people who will love your child as-much-as-you-in-a-completely-different-way type thing.

Lawd I don't even know if this is making sense at this point!!

I'm a religious woman--not a church-goer but still religious--and I remember from my Sunday School days the scripture which says (paraphrased): "And one day he will leave his father and mother, and she will leave her father and mother, and they will join as one family." It's as it should be. And as it will be. And that makes me so very happy.

Eventually I know Emma will find someone to love her with every fiber in themselves. I know because that's how I feel about her daddy. From the second I saw him, I knew he was the end and beginning for me. No lie; from the very first second. I had to wait for our time to be the right time and at varying points over those years I was scared I might be wrong; but I wasn't. I have found the one and only person I am supposed to be with forever. I can't believe how lucky I am. But then again, I can. Because I know it wasn't luck for me and it won't be luck for Emma. She will find her Prince Charming, her Beast, her soul mate/other half/true love. She will find this person and build a life separate from us. She will become someone's mommy. And she will THEN, and maybe only then, know exactly how much I love her.

I love my mom but I don't think I ever "got" how much she loved me until I held Emma in my arms that very first time. And maybe even then I didn't really get it because each day I wake up I think how much more and differently I love my daughter.

I'm not special. Not really. I'm the same in the most basic ways possible as every mother before me. I love my child. I love her more than I love myself. I work to make her proud, to provide for her. I want to be the best for my child. That's it. Every single true mother is the same at the core. "Egg donors"--those people who give birth but aren't mothers, not really...well that's different. -----Staying positive now...

This was a very long, almost babbling post that may very well embarrass my daughter one day. But that's okay! Because that moment was such a heavy moment for me. "I am looking at someone's mommy." That's heavy!!  But still, it was the best moment of that day. To know with every bit of certainty that my daughter will be loved by her child. Maybe this is a tad (sarcastic much?) presumptuous, but that's just how I felt, how I feel.

I thanked God right then and there for giving me my daughter, and for the future children she can have.

**Side note: Before I get a whole bunch of responses about how she may not want children, how she may love someone who won't/can't give her children, how she may not be able to have children; I hear you. I hear the pain of those who can't conceive and those who struggle with their relationships being "different," etc. I'm not suggesting Emma MUST have children for me to love her or whatever. I'm simply sharing a moment I had with my daughter. And for that moment, my thoughts were as above. My mind felt cleared and empty and whole--maybe? I don't know what it was. I just wanted to share this moment with my friends and family as it was such a profound moment for me. I apologize here and now if I hurt or offend anyone, as that is NEVER my intention. Please take this post for what it is, at face value. Thank you.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

New Adventures!

I tried to get this post together this past weekend, but didn't want to try and do it on my phone. That's a headache and just not worth it! So here we go, all new things with my little 'un!

We have had our first "parent involved with the county rec program." We signed Emma up for a class and it took me back to when I was little. I remember waking up early and getting ready for whatever sport I happened to be playing at that time. I remember my mom and dad blaring music--classics like John Fogerty and Bob Dylan--and making breakfast. I remember being so excited about getting to hang out with my friends.

Truth is I never really thought about what it took to make that happen. As a kid, you're not supposed to. You're not supposed to know that Mom and Dad actually got up an hour before you did because there was just no way they were going to get everything done otherwise. You're not supposed to know what it cost each and every season to play that sport or join that team or do that event. You're just not. I'm so glad that I didn't know those things as a kid; and I'm even more glad I'm getting to learn them now. Because that means my daughter is getting to experience new things and meet new people. She's having fun without worries. That's my job as her mom, her dad's job as her dad. We make things happen for her without her ever knowing what it takes to make them happen.

Anyways. Nostalgia over. Back to present day. As I said, we took Emma to her first class. She didn't really get it at first. Actually, out of the hour the class lasts, she didn't get it for maybe 45 minutes! lol There towards the end though, she got it. After it wrapped up, we went to her great-grandma's house to visit--maybe an hour there. Then we went home. Emma had had so much excitement that she was sleeping soundly before we pulled out of the driveway! HAHA She slept the whole way home. That alone is reason enough to keep going every week: GUARANTEED NAP TIME!

Actually, I know we'll be going back because we asked Emma the other night if she was excited about her "class." She immediately said "YES!" We asked if she wanted to do this thing or that thing from the class. And she actually understood. The things she said yes to were the things she played with most when we were there; the things she said no to were things she did maybe once and then didn't go back to. So she gets it. There were a bunch of other kids around her age, so hopefully this is the start of Emma making new friends before she even starts school! I definitely want her to be comfortable walking into new situations and meeting new people.

Other than that...not a whole lot. Getting back into a routine with the new year. New work schedule means new home schedule. Everyone is making adjustments. Not just me, my guy, and Emma...but our whole family. I love the fact my daughter stays with family. I know I'm lucky. A lot of parents don't have that luxury. And that's what it is: A luxury. My parents didn't have it. My parents lived overseas at one point and then they lived halfway across the country at another time. When we finally stopped moving, they were still no closer than 4hrs from the nearest grandparent. We saw my mom's side kind of frequently, considering--maybe something like once a month or every other month. My dad's side was like 6-7hrs so that was even less often.

Emma doesn't have that. Her family is a stone's throw away. She could see most of them every day if she wanted. The rest she could probably see every other week or maybe once a month or so. The point is my daughter is so incredibly lucky. She gets to see 2 of her grandmas ever single week. And *I* am lucky. Because my daughter is being cared for by people who love her. I don't have to find an outside sitter for her. I know a lot of people have nannies who care for and about their kids. And some parents send their kids to daycare or early preschool; and they choose the best schools with the best teachers. I'm not saying anything against moms/dads who opt for those choices. They may not have the opportunity for family to watch their babies. I'm just lucky that I do.

Parents --good parents, parents who were meant to be parents-- care more about their kids than anything else; we always look for the best options for our babies. We put their needs before our own, their wants before our own. We make our decisions based on them. I may WANT to go see a movie or get my nails done. But my daughter NEEDS me to come home and be with her especially when I've worked 40+hrs that week. I may want to stay up late but my daughter needs me to be up with her in the morning, so I'm in bed before I want to be. (Sometimes, after a gruesomely long day, I want to go to bed before her though! LOL)
My days of being carefree and doing what I want because I want--well those days are over. I am a mom first. And thank goodness for that. At some point every one has to grow up. I see my daughter growing before my eyes and know she is my world. She and her daddy. They are why I work, so I can prove to my daughter that anything she wants is possible. They are why I clean as much possible, so they can be proud of their home. They are why I plan and why I strive, so we can always know how much we mean to each other and how important we all are--individually and as a family.

That is our new adventure: Taking the time to allow Emma to discover things she likes, things she doesn't. And making the time to grow as a family, a couple, a parent, and a person. This year has already been incredible and fun. I am so excited for what the rest of the year holds!

Saturday, January 3, 2015

How Long has it been?!?

Forever. Haha

Emma turned 18 months yesterday. It really hit me as I had to say that to someone aloud. My daughter is 18 months old now. I'm still in shock.

She is the most amazing child I have been privied to raise. Haha. Seriously though, she is really just... well words can't describe it. I watch her become a person every day. I see her find things she loves, hates, understands, dismisses... just like the rest of us.

Loves: Well this is easy. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!!!! (has to be MMCH though. We found out through trial and error no other "Mimi" shows will do.) Chocolate Milk. Pancakes. Kit Kats. Baby dolls. Shoes. Those are the immediate ones. Every day there are more things she discovers and finds that she loves. She got a set of dress up heels for Christmas and now she wants to wear them all the time. IT STARTS! lol
Aside from that: she still likes throwing balls around, playing "catch." She like to do things on her own. She actually will stop eating if I try to feed her and act like she's full, but will come back when I'm not looking to finish eating as long as she can feed herself. She is starting to gravitate to her books. Sometimes I will catch her sitting on her new "Mimi" couch, reading a book while "Mimi" plays on her TV. She is amazing.

Sorry so blurry. It's from my phone and I was kind of far away.

She loves to dance. Sometimes she does this move where she sticks her arm out from her face kinda and sort of prances around or spins... and it is EXACTLY like a home movie my parents have of me at 3 doing the exact same thing. Then you realize she is doing that to her daddy's heavy metal music and you realize: This child is such a perfect combo of her daddy and me. LOL

Hates: Bananas. And mashed potatoes. Seriously. She'll try almost any food. And some of it she won't love. She'll give those a few test bites, but ultimately dribble it out of her mouth. But but one of those to her lips and you will get a big ole "YUCK" from her! haha

She is starting to get potty-trained. She actually does tell us "Mama, potty." "Dada, potty." And will drag us upstairs to the bathroom so she can sit on her little potty and go. Not every time but sometimes. And she gets confused at which is which. But, again, she is only 18 months. She is so smart.

Every day, it seems like, Emma learns a new word or phrase. Just recently she started trying to perfect "Are you Ready?" to where the "R" is noticeable. Aside from that, she seriously has a huge vocabulary and understanding. She doesn't just throw out one or two words and hope you get it. She forms fully functional sentences. Yesteday I turned the faucet off in the tub because it was kind of full. She looked at me and said, "Mama, I want it oooonnnn!" I told her No. She said it again. I said no again. She said "Please?" Melted my heart. Not only because she said please, but because she gets when she is supposed to. She also says "Thank You" when you give her something. Or when she gives you something ("You're welcome hasn't quite taken hold yet! lol)

I tell ya. Watching her grow is the best feeling. Seeing her determine who she will be is scary and fun and scary and wow--all wrapped up in one bright, bubbly, amazing little blonde-haired/blue-eyed perfection. Not every trait she's developing is one I want to see stay (the demanding nature as she enters the terrible two's.. yeah that I could do without). But I know those are things she could outgrow as she gets older. Or they will be quirks she and I can fight over as gets gets older. I'm sure it will be both.

Her Christmas picture

After Christmas Pictures #2

My little Princess on Halloween

Emmaleigh Grace

Emmaleigh Grace