My Little Girl

My Little Girl

Monday, December 31, 2012

What will my baby be like?

This week marks the end of the first trimester. As of Sunday, January 6th, I will officially be 14 weeks and starting part 2 of 3. So as this week winds down, I find myself daydreaming a little more about meeting my baby. And I have all these questions!

"What will my baby look like?" Of course I am going to think my baby is the MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY in the whole wide world, lol. It's not about being egotistical...Every parent thinks that! I mean, I look at my baby pictures and I see a huge butterball. What can I say: my Oma and Opa were putting mashed carrots in my milk at 3 months old! My mom looks at them and sees the Gerber baby. haha I was a very photogenic baby though, I will have to give myself that. I loved being in front of the camera and cheesing it up. (When did THAT change?!?)
When I see pictures of Daddy as a baby, I think he's adorable! He had ice blond hair and pure green eyes. And every picture I see he's either got a huge grin or he's got this "look" like he's planning something really interesting. Every picture is precious. So if I think about it: of course we're going to have a perfect baby! lol
My question is more of the actual physical look of the baby. Will they be tall like Daddy or short like Mommy? Will they inherit Daddy's green eyes--which turned hazel? (Boy I hope so!) Or will I look into grey-blue eyes like mine? Will they have a head full of blonde hair? Dark brown? Or will I birth a cue ball?!? LOL

"What will my baby be interested in?" My mom says (and has photo & video proof) I was addicted to books from the very beginning. I used to "read" my books backwards, too. (This is something I still sort of do and something-apparently--my Uncle Tom does!) Daddy loved firetrucks and Ninja Turtles.
I was very academic in school because I wasn't the most athletic kid. I was the one getting the "Coach's Award" or "Team Spirit Award" every year: which basically boils down to "You have a ton of heart, but not a ton of skill." lol The one sport I did decent at was soccer and I was on the school dance team in elementary school and senior year of high school. Daddy was a big athlete though! He was an awesome football player and really into weight/power lifting too.

"What are going to be their '-ism's?" You know, those things kids say & parents just don't have the heart to correct, so the kid says/does those things for a really long time? Like, when my sisters and I were little we used words like "glassable" (breakable), my dad drove a "car with the lid off" (a convertible--well T-top), my dad had a "moo-shtab" (mustache), we "me-membered" things, and drink "jingle bells" (ginger ale). These were all things we said long past when it is considered "acceptable"! LOL But my parents thought they were so cute and just let us keep on doing it.
I know Daddy and I were both BIG Binkie-babies!! I've heard stories about how he fought long and hard before he got rid of his. And I used to steal them from my sisters. Hey, what can you expect when you have two little sisters within 3 years?!? LOL I called my dad's mom "Grammy Damn-Damn" when she tried to take them away from me! So I'm pretty sure our baby will want a binkie but Daddy's already sworn we will NOT be using them for those very reasons.

"What kind of sleeper will my baby be?" Daddy is a "dead to the world" sleeper. I wake up with the least little bit of movement. Hmm... this one's a toss up! Daddy has to have a down comforter on him when he goes to sleep and he steals all the pillows. I just like a sheet but love pillows; I always end up cuddling a pillow at some point during the night. Daddy tosses and turns a lot; once I get settled, there's no movement unless I am woken up. Sheesh!! We are total opposites here! lol We do both like to have it kinda cold when we go to sleep and both like having a fan right on us, too.
Will my baby sleep through the night (for the most part) right away? Or will they be confused with day and night: Sleep all day and up all night, sort of thing? That would interesting, lol! Daddy and I USED to be more night owls than morning people, but *waking* Daddy up is a major chore sometimes!! lol

"Is my baby going to be a picky eater?" Daddy has a few things he will NOT eat: Green beans, tomatoes, beans, guacamole...those are the biggies. I don't like: asparagus, peas, rice (except in rice cereal)... And of course there's brussell sprouts and those sorts of things that no one *really* eats! Daddy noticed I almost never eat food that's "coated." I didn't ever think about it, but he's right. If I make something with a breading like shake-n-bake pork chops, I always scoop the coating off. If it's something like fried chicken, I eat the skin separate from the chicken. Hmm... I never realized that unless he pointed it out. lol Daddy and I are both big meat eaters too.

These are just a few of the questions I could remember tonight. I had a whole list of them but, by the time I went to type this blog--whoosh! Blank. lol

Hopes & Dreams

Now-a-days we live in a world where promises are merely words, not the covenant between people as they used to be. Where letting children do whatever they want is considered good parenting because you are allowing them to "express themselves." Where discipline is considered abuse.

I don't want to live in that world.

I have all these hopes and dreams for my little one. I watch my belly grow and each day it gets bigger, so do my dreams and wishes.

I hope my baby is strong. I want so much for this little one to be able to look whomever in the eye and never back down when they are right. That being said, I also hope my baby has enough strength to be able to accept when they are wrong. To learn from others when there is opportunity.

I hope my baby is kind. My dreams fill with this perfect bundle waddling up to strangers and offering little dandelions they picked with a huge gummy grin. I live for the day when I can look into the pure eyes of my baby, eyes which have never known sadness or letdowns. (I hope they are hazel eyes like Daddy's... I love his eyes.)

I hope my baby is smart. Not just the kind of smart that comes from books--though I pray for that too. But the kind of smart that comes from learning from those around them. I hope my baby loves books as I do. I'll fill the baby room with classics and read every night. I'm not much of a songbird, but I *can* read a book!! Daddy has so much more common sense than I do; I hope my baby inherits that too.

I hope my baby is social. Daddy can scan a room and know the exact best way to approach people almost immediately; I take a lot longer to allow people in. My way has always worked for me. It kept me from allowing the wrong people in too quickly or being disappointed by those I don't know. But Daddy... Daddy has never met a stranger it seems!! He is right at home in any group. I envy that about him sometimes. It works for him and he is very comfortable with it. I don't think it would work for me, but I hope my baby walks with the ease and grace of Daddy.

I'm not saying I think my baby will grow up perfect. I know there will be temper tantrums in our future. There will be many "Because I said so's" and "If I have to tell you one more time..." Daddy and I joke that patience is not a virtue our baby will inherit a lot of--because neither of us are exceptionally patient people!

I foresee moments where my baby will think every toy is theirs or should be--as all children do. And at those times, I look forward to teaching the concepts of sharing and giving. Of right and wrong. I will not withhold my opinion when they stumble--for I do not think of these times as failures... merely stepping stones. I will show my baby every day love is not conditional on perfection. A parent's love is unconditional.

I will not give my baby every physical thing they desire. I was given every thing I needed, and earned the extras I wanted. It was frustrating as a child, but now I am grateful for those lessons. My parents showed me how to work hard and be accountable.

I know the saying "It's a grandparent's job is to spoil their grandkids." I'm well aware my grandparents went above and beyond for us whenever they could. But I was also lucky my grandparents felt it was equally important to spoil us in lessons and good manners, as much as with toys. If I wanted a new set of crayons and a coloring book, I had to go to Bingo with my Grammy and sit there and *BEHAVE* for four hours straight. (Yes, I know the old Italian men used to sneak me all the Oatmeal Cream Pies! lol) The point is, I knew that my extras were just: things given to me but not to be expected or demanded. And I appreciated them more because they were earned.

So there it is. A semi-short list of the hopes and dreams I have for my little pumpkin. My dreams aren't the things of fairy tales. They are the dreams of a parent wanting to see their little one happy, healthy, and an all-around good person.

I can't wait!!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

On the Upswing... ?

I think I may have some light poking through this "First Trimester" Tunnel!

I'm not going to lie... these first few weeks were TOUGH! Food became a huge issue for me. Nothing tasted good. I never really wanted to eat. I ate because I knew I had to, but yeah--nothing held much appeal. BUT I managed to get a big ole belly already. Even with losing 9 pounds.

And sleep!! Seems I only could sleep when it wasn't convenient. At work... want a nap. 5pm and dinner time... can I take a nap instead? 7am wake up... how about another nap? But 3am rolls around and BAM! I'm wide awake. And sweating. Profusely! I couldn't even sleep on top of blankets because they were too warm. I could only handle a sheet. My poor dog and boyfriend... if they got near me in the middle of the night they were gonna get kicked! lol

But there was also the fact that I had zero energy to do the things I normally like to do. Laundry was a real chore (pun intended). Dishes just seemed to pile up on themselves, which is weird because there are only two of us here right now and during the week we only have dinner dishes. I felt like the worst person because when I moved in, I told my guy I would keep a clean house for him. And here I am six months later and I just don't find the energy to do it. :(

Now though... I think I am starting to get out of this funk. I managed to do 4 loads of laundry last night, go to the store and buy some detergent/dog food/wrapping paper, re-wrap ALL the Christmas presents because my dog managed to tear some wrapping at the back of the tree, and even vacuum the living room. Now last week that would just not have been possible.

Food though. That's still a humdinger. Just when I think it's getting better, it hits a little harder. Someone please tell me that will end and I will get to be the crazy preggo lady that wants to eat tons! I can't wait to feel like that!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Another Mile Marker Met!

I have all these little goals set for myself to help me get through 40 long weeks of being pregnant.
  •  First was my first Dr. Appt @ 7 weeks. 
  • Then the U/S @ 9 weeks. 
  • Then I wanted to hit 10 weeks because that would be 25% of the way there. That seemed like a really good mile marker!
Today though I hit another one. I am "officially" under 200 days left. 199 days until my due date!! I know that is still a long time, but having these little stepping stones makes me feel like I am accomplishing something.
Next up: Our 12 week appointment on December 26th. It will be almost like another Christmas gift because my doctor has already told me she's going to have me hear the heartbeat again. I think I'll bring something to record it so I can share it somehow.

Well that's it for now. Just a quick update. 

Saturday, December 15, 2012

For Gramma Weis

The day that we first met
We hardly knew your name,
But you quickly loved us
So it was easy to do the same.

You remembered all the bdays
& always had a Christmas card.
Feeling like your family
Suddenly wasn't so very hard.

For thirteen years you're grandma
Seems it's always been that way,
Which makes it harder now
To say the things I need to say.

But grandpa will be waiting-
Of that I have no doubt-
Standing at the gates of heaven
To show you all about.

You'll dance to songs by angels
And move about with grace,
Swaying with your soul mate
In his arms-your rightful place

Today I say "Goodbye Grandma"
And "I'll see you soon."
I'll look for you in stars, Grandma
& watch you dancing on the moon.

A picture of Gramma Weis at my mom's surprise birthday party a few years back.

Friday, December 14, 2012

The pup is catching on

I think Jax knew something was "off" with me right around the time I did. See, a few days before I "confirmed" I was pregnant, he did something he has NEVER done. I have my old bed set up in the guest room. Well he went in there and peed all over! I mean it was bad! I know he did it that day too, because every day I check the house to see if he made a mess anywhere and tried to hide it. The day before, none of that mess was there. I was LIVID! Of course I immediately washed everything and cleaned up everything, but I just couldn't understand what made him do something like that.

Since then Jax has been acting really weird. He used to simply not love sleeping in his kennel (he got really used to sleeping in beds with people when we lived with my mom). But he was okay with it when we moved in with my boyfriend. Now though, if I put him in his kennel, he'll stay up an extra hour howling and crying. He does not want to be in there anymore.

Now I also tend to fall asleep a lot earlier than I used to. And I would feel bad because I leave the house at 7:30 every morning, get home around 5:30 every evening, make dinner, and am ready to sleep by 8:30. That's not a lot of time with him; plus he's used to going to bed at 9:30/10 o'clock. So on those nights I would let him sleep in our bed.
He's always been a burrower and a mover. He loves to crawl down under the covers to the foot of the bed and work his way up to just the right spot. Then in the middle of the night, he starts moving around in his sleep. He has very active dreams! He's always running or chasing something. He even yips in his sleep. (It's pretty cute, honestly!)

It was after I realized I was pregnant that he started having to sleep right in my back. Or in the crook of my knee. Now, I'm not the heaviest sleeper, anyways. Even a little bit of movement can wake me up. So sleeping between my boyfriend and an active pup... I wasn't getting the best sleep I've ever gotten. Then one night he started KICKING MY STOMACH! That was it for me. I told my boyfriend the dog just cannot sleep in the bed anymore. I'm already starting to have trouble sleeping and I've got this dog moving around all night and now he's KICKING me?!?!?

--And this is just his new sleep situation! Never mind the fact he is always stepping on my belly. Or that he *has* to be right next to me. He even puts himself between me and my guy again; something he hasn't done since we moved in together. If I sit on the couch, Jax will walk up and put his paws on my belly, especially if he sees me or my boyfriend rubbing the belly at all.

I think my dog is already jealous. I don't know what to do either. How do you prepare a pup for a baby? Maybe once this first trimester is over and I have more energy and kind of get back to a semi-normal state... Maybe then he'll calm down. I just don't know.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Holidays

Every morning I wake up and see my boyfriend off to work. (Sounds pleasant until you realize he LEAVES by 5am! lol) After that I spend a few minutes on Facebook, a few minutes on Yahoo News, and then some time on or posting a blog. The whole while I am sitting on the couch facing our Christmas tree. There are even a few presents under it!  Sometimes I even plug it in, even though it's morning, just so I can see how pretty it is. It's really peaceful.

Today is a rough one. I found out my stepdad's mom is being placed in hospice. It's a complete shock because the surgery she just had a few days ago (maybe a week) went great. Doctors all said she was doing good and everything should be okay. Last night I got a call from my stepdad saying the surgery part is still good, but the Alzheimer's-Dementia she's been living with has just taken over. There aren't any other options at this point.

This made me sad for sooo many reasons. The first is: I know how close my stepdad and his whole family are. They are the type of family who easily drive 2 hours (or more) just to spend a weekend together. They get together every year for almost every holiday, each family member having their "designated" holiday so no one forgets. Even with as busy as their lives are, they always made time to go see their mom in her assisted living home, take her out for a few hours, spend time with her. I think she had one of her kids there every single day. They are just that close.

Another reason is that this has to happen right before Christmas. This is a time where people are supposed to be celebrating. "Happy," "Merry," and "Joy" are all thrown around a lot at this time of year. And my family has this going on. I know they'll be as strong as they can for the little ones, but even that is hard.

And still there's the fact that my Grandma Weis will probably never meet my baby. My cousin on my stepdad's side had a little girl a few months back, but they live in Seattle, so I don't know if my grandma ever met her first great-grandbaby. And she won't meet her second.

It just doesn't seem fair. A family that is so good to each other, and others, shouldn't have this going on right now. I know there's never a "good time" for something like this to happen, and she had been getting progressively worse since her diagnosis; but still. At Christmas??

In grad school, my friend Gaby and I were partners in a case study; our subjects were persons with Alzheimer's-Dementia. I thought having that clinical knowledge and having witnessed it years ago with my Nammers, I would be more prepared for this. I'm not though. I'm just sitting here in front of my Christmas Tree, feeling sort of numb because right now I don't want to face what I am going to do this weekend.

I am going to drive to Wisconsin and say "goodbye" to a woman who, 13 years ago, welcomed me and my sisters so easily and so quickly into her family. We were "steps" by marriage, but she NEVER made it feel that way. Even at her worst moments, she would always look at me and know I was a part of her family, even if she couldn't remember exactly who I was or how I fit.

She was family. Since that very cold Christmas Day back in 1999. When we drove up to her house for the first time and fell in 4feet of snow. And ate polish sausage and ketchup for breakfast. And watched "White Christmas" while Grandpa Weis told us how the song "White Christmas" was sung in "Holiday Inn" before it was sung in the title movie.

All those years ago. And now I have to say goodbye. It's hard for me.

I can't even imagine how everyone else is handling it.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


They say "Patience is a virtue." To which I've always responded "Well, it's not a virtue I have a lot of!"

I've never been great at the waiting game. This is something about myself I am WELL aware of. But now I sit here and don't have a choice and it's making me CRAZY!!

I'm a planner. The second I find out something needs to be done, I do it. Even if it's not due right away. This is for several reasons:
  1. If I don't do it right when you tell me, I tend to forget. It's either write it down a whole bunch and keep putting it off, or do it right away. I usually opt for "right away" because I never know what might come up that could keep me from doing what needs to be done or what was asked of me.
  2. It bugs me to have things half finished. I don't like to start something unless I can see it all the way through. 
  3. I don't like messes!! lol Those of you who know me know this is a "No Duh" moment, but seriously. I hate having a mess around. If I plan things out right, there shouldn't be a mess.
But here we are. 10 weeks in and I'm struggling with patience. I want to decorate the nursery. In order to do that, I have to know what we're having: boy or girl? And for that I have to wait another 7 weeks or so! It's killing me!

Plus there are all those things I want to do with the baby already. I want to hold it. I want to kiss it's little head, feel it's fingers curl around one of mine, watch my boyfriend hold the baby.... All those things. I can't wait to be a mommy.

But that's the thing, isn't it? I *have* to wait. I'm 25% of the way there--which feels amazing. That's a tangible percentage, you know? 25%. That's like needing a dollar and finding a quarter. You start to feel hopeful. Like maybe these next few weeks will fly by and suddenly you'll be at 20 weeks and seeing your baby, knowing if it's a boy or girl, planning the baby showers within the next month or so... Then it'll be summer and you can start a countdown of days, not just weeks or months.

I guess all the changes right now are a little scary.
  • There's everything wacky going on inside me: crazy-emotional, none of my clothes fit, sleeping is rough... 
  • There's the financial changes: selling the car and paying off debts, giving a much bigger chunk to my savings for those weeks when I won't be working, knowing there's so much to buy ahead of time... 
  • The environmental changes: the house, a baby's room, making sure our room will be ready too... 
  • And the changes to my relationship: We are going from a couple to a family of three. I've never been a "family of three." That's kind of scary. Am I still going to be pretty to him after I have a baby and my entire body looks like a deflated balloon? Will I still have time to cook, clean, watch the baby, and spend some quality time with just him? How do people make it work? It seems so daunting!!
The thing that is keeping me sane--the only thing right now--is that everyday he tells me how great we are going to be. How every change we make will be the best thing for our baby. How much he loves me. How he can't wait to meet our baby either. And every day he tells me I am more beautiful than the day before.
These things help me realize I really do just have to be patient. Because working myself up on something I can't change (I can't pop my baby out any sooner!) is just going to make me nuts.

Last night I told him I'd follow him anywhere. He said he didn't want me to follow him; he wanted me right there beside him. Well... I am. I trust him completely and cannot wait to travel our journey together. Right now it's slow steps. But that just means we get to meander along and enjoy the sights a little longer.

Family Traditions

I can't believe how quickly I started thinking about how I would raise my kids with my boyfriend after finding out about our little one. It's CRAZY!! Suddenly I'm like, "I definitely have to do this." Or "We sure won't be doing this."

And now with Christmas right around the corner, I really find myself thinking it. Here are just a few things I hope to carry on with our little one. Of course, I don't know all of his family traditions, so some of these will be changed, but-for now-these are the ones coming to mind.
  1. Christmas presents. Growing up, we had two ways of opening presents before my parents split. The first was--We got to open one gift Christmas Eve and everything else on Christmas Day. When I was a little older (maybe 7-ish), my parents switched it up. We opened all the family gifts on Christmas Eve and Santa's gifts on Christmas Day. I don't know which way is "better" but I know which one I liked more!! LOL I loved getting an entire night to enjoy all of the gifts my family gave me. I loved opening a gift from my Grammy and playing with it for a few minutes while my sisters opened their gifts, then getting to the next one. It felt like the family gifts didn't get as lost on Christmas Day because of Santa's gifts. This will probably be harder with all the Christmas functions we will have to go to (we're both from divorced families; his all live close by and mine are spread pretty far out); but hopefully we'll get to do something like this.
  2. Christmas Movies. My dad always loved Christmas movies. A Christmas Story was quoted frequently in our house throughout the year. BUT! We never watched Christmas movies unless it was Christmas time. The day after Thanksgiving (or sometimes really late on Thanksgiving night) was when we could start in with Frosty and Rudolph and Christmas Vacation and A Christmas Story and all the other classics. I loved waiting all year to watch those movies.
  3. Dinner at the table. Growing up, we always ate dinner at the table together. The only "exception nights" were the nights we had ball games. Right now it doesn't feel necessary because it's just me and him at the house and we can sit together on the couch, watch TV, relax. That's a lot of fun for now, but when our baby gets older, I can't wait to sit at the table and hear about the things they got into that day. There's just something about a kitchen table. It's kind of like Frosty's hat! lol
  4. Bedtime stories/reading. I remember being 5 years old and my parents were reading me a bedtime story and I thought it was the best. Then my dad said, "I think she should start doing this on her own." So I read Hop On Pop. Of course, my dad thought I had just memorized it, so he made me read another Dr. Seuss book. And I did. That's when my parents learned I could read. I also remember going to my Grammy's during the summer and checking out tons of books from the library. Every year for my birthday and Christmas I would get a Caldecott Award Winning book with a little note from her written on the cover. And every year for Easter she would read us The Velveteen Rabbit. Books were huge in my family growing up. I can't wait to pass that on too.
  5. "Making memories"/"Date Days." These were the days where my mom would take us out (individually or all together) and we would go do fun stuff. Sometimes date day was lunch out and a movie (hey...we were kids. Can't do a late dinner! lol). Sometimes it was driving an hour to Nashville just to see the sights. Sometimes the days were planned out and sometimes they fell together. But they were some pretty awesome days. So awesome, that we still try to do them now as grown ups. 
  6. "Educational Summers." Yes, growing up, the second that summer bell for school rang, my mom would hand us a math book, a list of science projects, and a "topic" for the summer. All summer long, we would learn about things, read lots of books, play math games, etc. And growing up we hated it! We always used to make fun of my mom for it. Especially when we found out other kids from school were going to places like Disney World and they didn't have to read every sign! lol But now I have some really fun memories from those summers. We had the "NASA summer" right as the movie Apollo 13 came out; there was the "summer of Lincoln" where we went to every birthplace replica of Abe's in the tri-state area; etc. Now, as dorky as it sounds, I can't wait to do something similar with my kids. BUT!! I also want to take them to places like Disney World where they can run around and just be wild! So this is a split: I want a week where we learn all kinds of things, and a week of just fun. Close together, so Disney is like a reward for their hard work.
These are just a few I could think of. Yes I know most are holiday related, but hey... It's Christmas time!! Like I said, I don't know all of my boyfriend's family's traditions yet, so these can't stay exactly like this. But it'll be fun to see how we mesh them.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Making Changes

Grown-ups always say you do things for your kids to make their lives better than yours. That you make sacrifices and give things up. It always seemed redundant to say, because of course you would make changes and sacrifices for your kids. Of course you want a better life for them.

I guess what I didn't realize is how quickly those changes can be made and how EASY it really can be. Right after my boyfriend found out we were going to be parents, he started talking about selling his motorcycle and his truck. He figured we would get ourselves settled out, have some extra money in savings. I kept telling him he didn't have to do that. I know how much he loves his bike. And his truck... well every family needs a truck! But it doesn't matter what I say; he is adamant he is going to do what's best for our baby. He figured we could always get another truck later. As far as his bike, it hasn't been the same it was pushed it over on the 4th of July.

Then I took a look at myself and what I had. See, I have student loan debt from grad school. I always felt bad about that because there's no way to get that to go away. That's what I'm bringing to the table, so to speak. There was something I could do though. I could sell my car now and pay off quite a bit of my debt. So that's what we did yesterday. We got up bright and early and went to Carmax--and sold Betty, my PT Cruiser convertible. Right before they opened the doors, he asked me if I was sad at all. I told him no, because I wasn't and I'm not.

I loved that car while I had her. She was a lot of fun to drive around in during the summer, riding around with the top down. She had some fun features like the Aux-port so I could play my iPod. But... she wasn't the car a new mom should have. A roll bar just doesn't cut it when there's going to be a baby in the back. 2-doors just isn't enough. And the trunk... well she'd never fit a stroller in there! Betty was a car for a young, fun, single lady. And two years ago when I got her, that's what I was.

Now I'm an expectant mom. That already takes precedence over everything else.

So here is my tribute and farewell to Betty.

And now... well now we make it work until this next summer. We'll be able to put more money in savings so we can get the best, baby friendly vehicle we can find.

See that's the thing that lets me know we'll be amazing parents. Without being asked, we both offer up the few things we own, that we worked hard for, so we won't be stressed when the baby comes. Well, maybe a little less stressed than new parents can be, anyways!

Friday, December 7, 2012

Mommy Mantras, pt. 1

So this is going to be a "series" of blogs spread throughout my pregnancy and even longer, on things people tell me and how I'm incorporating them. Especially now, in the early stages.

1. "Get plenty of sleep."/ "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Okay, so the second is a little early to use, BUT I'm definitely getting the hang of the first! Sleep whenever I can? Okay! No problem! The problem now is I want to sleep all the time. I want to sleep when I should be washing my hair in the shower. I want to sleep when I should be making dinner. I want to sleep when I should be working!! The problem, right now at least, is not NOT getting enough sleep. The problem is making sure I don't sleep at those inopportune times.
The other part of that is... well at night, good sleep is really difficult to get. I can tell you approximately what time it is when I wake up in the middle of the night. It's somewhere between 2:08 and 2:28am. Yep. Every single night I wake up sweating like a fat pig on Christmas Eve. Then there's the whole "adjusting throughout the night" and "trying to find a comfortable way to sleep." Because, let's face it, *NOTHING* is comfortable anymore. Sleeping on my stomach makes me out of breath. Sleeping on my side makes me have to pee. And I've never been able to sleep on my back. Key here: Very soft, very comfy, very many pillows!! Those are saving me right now!

2. "Eat"/"Feed that baby." Everyone has their suggestions as to what I should or should not eat while pregnant. Spicy foods worked for some and others adamantly oppose going anywhere near that salsa! Some say to drink lots of water all day, but others say to slow way down after around 3pm--otherwise you'll end up getting up in the middle of the night for an entirely different reason.
Me. I just want to be able to eat SOMETHING! I want food to taste good again. I want to enjoy a meal, not "bite, chew, swallow" simply to get the nutrients I need. Ugh... I have a few mini-goals that I've set throughout this pregnancy. I hope it will break it up some so I don't get so freaked out about how long 40 weeks actually is. My first goal is 10 weeks, because that's 25% of the way there. The NEXT goal is 14 weeks. Because that's when this hellacious experience of "morning sickness" is supposed to go away. I just pray I follow suit on that one--and it doesn't last the entire pregnancy!

3. "Do what you can, when you can." I'm a huge OCD, clean freak. I hate messes. I always say "I never had to learn how to *really* clean, because I never really make a mess." I honestly believe that to a point. Now, if there's a mess, obviously I can clean it up. But the fact is, I don't let things get messy. I pick up after myself (and others, lol). I follow my mom and Grammy's advice of "Never leave a room empty-handed."
The thing is, now, I have almost 0 energy all day. And things were starting to back up. I felt like a complete failure because all the laundry wasn't completely done. Or there were dishes in the sink still. Or the fridge was a little bare because I hadn't been to the store in a while. Luckily my guy is absolutely amazing. No, he doesn't go and do those things for me (I never said he was PERFECT! Lol). But he looks at me and says "Babe. Don't WORRY about it. It's fine. It'll get done. The house looks great anyways." And the fact is, the house really isn't that messy. It's just me; I like things to be exactly where they are supposed to be. To combat this a little, I'm learning to "do what I can, when I can." I have a little bit of energy in the morning--I do the dishes. I have a little bit when in the evenings--do the laundry. On my way home from work and not about to pass out--stop and buy all the groceries we need. See... things are getting done. Not as quickly as I would like, but that's okay.
**Plus, they say in a few weeks I'll have most of my energy back and can do about 90% of what I did pre-pregnancy. That'll be nice!

Like I said, this is a series. These are not the only "blurbs" I've heard since I announced I was going to be a mommy. These are just the ones on my mind right now. I'll have more "Mommy Mantras" as we go! If you have any you want to share, go ahead and comment them here. :)

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Spoke too soon.

Ho boy. This morning has already been a doozy.

I just recently posted about how I've been nauseous but hadn't actually gotten sick. Of course I'm experiencing my very first "Your kids will make liars out of you" moment!

I was bringing the laundry up when I started feeling like I was in between a cough and a gag. Suddenly it felt like there was a hook in my stomach with two cords: one attached to my chest and one attached to my knees. This hook suddenly jerked on the cords and almost doubled me over. I had to run up the last of the stairs and book it to the trash can.

It was horrible. There I was dry heaving into the garbage and feeling like crap. Then the smell hit me and I REALLY started getting sick. It was this vicious circle.

Now I have to get ready to leave for work and have Zero energy. Praying today goes by quickly so I can come home and curl up with my guy. I don't want to do anything!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Morning Sickness all day!

I have had quite a few friends who have had babies, so I knew to expect some queasiness these first few months. Sure. Normal.

But WHY do they call it morning sickness??? It's all dag'um day!!

From the time I wake up until Daddy puts his hand on my belly! MY stomach is rolling and turning and plopping... It never ends. The best thing I can say about it is: While I always feel nauseous, I never actually "get sick." Thankfully everything I *DO* eat stays down.

A good friend of mine is pregnant right now too (we're due around the same time) and all of her Facebook posts are about the good food she's eating and what food she wants to eat. Oh, and sleep. Of course. Me. I can't stomach the idea of eating most days. :(

I eat because I know I have to. Nothing tastes good to me though. And everyday I find another food-thing I can't have. First was Italian Dressing. One day for lunch at work, I brought a salami sandwich, a PB&J, and some cold pasta soaked in Italian Dressing. Right after that I kept running to the bathroom thinking I was going to be really sick. I ended up having to leave work early because it was so bad. We chalked it up to the weird combo of food. That is until we went to a nice little restaurant for brunch with my boyfriend's dad, stepmom, and sister. I ordered what they were getting since I had never been there and they ALL were getting the same thing. It came with a salad, so I ordered what I always get: Italian Dressing. The salad comes and it's about the size of my fist with just a tiny amount of dressing. Good, because I really didn't want to fill up on salad before the "famous" sandwich. As SOON as I finished the salad, I ran to the bathroom. I couldn't eat anything else. My stomach was soooo upset. I spent most of the rest of that day laying in bed, praying I would just go ahead and get sick and all that offending dressing would get out of me!!

Then there's the other side of weird foods. See, I'm lactose intolerant. I have been since high school. It was a gradual thing: started out not being able to drink milk, but I could still have other dairy products. Then it was no yellow cheese. Then I could have pizza only if the cheese was almost burnt (broke the proteins in it down). Then even Ranch dressing became an issue. So imagine my surprise when the only thing that will settle my stomach even a little bit is a little bit of WHITE MILK! I now have to have a glass everyday for breakfast. It will easy the discomfort for about 2 hours which is AMAZING! I can't have another glass after that first one, though. Just the one.

Hey, at least there's some comfort right? And no really weird cravings yet. I have a little mini countdown to the 14 week mark. They say that's when most of the morning sickness ends!!

I think Baby knows Daddy...

I wake up with morning sickness. And it doesn't go away at all during the day. (That's a topic that needs a post all to itself though!)

Needless to say, most of the day I am uncomfortable. I used to dread sitting for too long because then my pants would push into my belly and it would make me more sick. I'm a lot better since I bought the maternity jeans, but I can't wear those to work everyday.

My stomach constantly feels like a laundrymat-style washing machine. It's spinning round and round, tossing everything in it like limp ragdolls. Ugh. That is until my boyfriend puts his hand on it. Then everything just settles down. I thought it might be the pressure of having a hand firmly on my stomach, so I tried applying just a tiny amount when I would put my own hand on my belly. Nope. Still bobbling like a washing machine! It's only when he does it.

It's like the baby already knows to listen to Daddy. Daddy says "stop upsetting your Mommy's tummy so she can go to sleep." Baby immediately stops.

If this is any indicator of what life will be like after the baby is born... Well at least we know which one of us will have to be the disciplinarian!! Baby listens best to Daddy after all! lol

Maternity clothes already??

About 9 months ago (March) I took a long, hard look in the mirror and didn't love what I saw. I knew I needed to lose weight. So I got a gym membership and a personal trainer and was really dedicated to achieving a healthy weight. I set little mini-goals for myself on the weight loss journey, hoping that would keep me on track. I ended up losing 25 pounds in 3 months! And I kept it off! That was the biggest accomplishment for me. Even while starting a new relationship and adjusting to everything, I managed to stay at my weight.

Flash forward to October 1st. I got on the scale for the first time in a month (since I had stopped going to the gym, I wasn't as in a hurry to jump on the scale...even though I never gained any weight). Still the same. Good. At the end of the month, we found out we were expecting. That's when I got worried. Because even a little weight gain on someone who's only 5'2" looks like a lot of weight gain. But....I was 4 weeks pregnant and everything was fine.

I thought I'd be okay with my work scrubs, but even those became uncomfortable. The elastic-waist ones weren't that stretchy and the tie ones always put a lot of pressure on my stomach which made me feel really sick. One of the girls at work who just had her baby back in April, told me she started wearing yoga-pants instead of her scrubs. Okay... that's easy enough. Check.

It was almost immediately after we found out that I had trouble fitting into my jeans! See, I was so worried that if I kept the jeans that were way too big on me and could almost fall off while buttoned AND ZIPPED, that I would gain the weight back. So I either sold those jeans or gave them to Goodwill. Now I was stuck with all my "skinny" jeans I couldn't even button! I tried everything: the hair tie trick, wearing them lower, etc. Nothing was really working. I'd end up having to keep them unbuttoned and my shirt over them to hide it! I almost started crying on Thanksgiving when I thought I was going to have to wear yoga pants to a family dinner!! Luckily ONE PAIR of jeans had managed to escape the jeans-exodus. But after a Thanksgiving dinner-worth of eating, even those were tight! lol

Right before I had my u/s, my boyfriend and I decided we'd just have to go ahead, breakdown, and buy some maternity pants. I kept putting it off because I thought "there's no way I should need them this early. All the books say you don't show until the 2nd trimester. I can't be putting on this much weight already!!!" But after being utterly uncomfortable for so long, and realizing my shirts too were becoming a little snug, I went and bought two pairs of maternity jeans and a cute maternity top.

Ahhhh. Sighs of relief!! I am still the same size pant I was before I got pregnant, but now they have the stretchy instead of a button and I'm in HEAVEN! I wear them all the time because they are so comfortable. My jeans are actually a little loose, but I'd rather have that then the discomfort of them getting too tight too soon. And then I'd have to go buy some more.

P.S.: I went to the Dr. the day after my u/s for a follow up. When they weighed me.... 0 pounds gained!! I'm 9 weeks preggo and haven't gained a pound yet. I'm so happy about that!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Dr. Visits

Sometimes you have no idea how something should go, but end up a little disappointed anyways. Well that was kind of what happened at my first Dr. appt. I had read online about some women going in at 5/6 weeks and getting ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeat.... I had to wait until 7 weeks (exactly) before my doctor would even see me. We went in on 11/19/2012. When I got there, they had me pee in a cup and confirmed I was pregnant. Umm yeah... lol! They ORDERED the u/s and blood work to be done.

Luckily the lab was right next door, so I just walked over and got the blood work. They couldn't get me in that day for the u/s which was a little disappointing. We scheduled the u/s for Friday, November 30th--almost two whole weeks later! We could have gotten in a little sooner, but then I would have had to take off work and my bf definitely wouldn't have been able to be there. So we scheduled it for 4pm on a Friday.

You can't imagine how long those two weeks felt!! And how much longer the actual day seemed to take! My bf called at 3 and said he was trying as hard as he could to get there but wasn't sure if he'd make it. His company had sent him to another site and it was going to be close--if traffic was light, that is. I told him I understood and to drive safe. Finally I pulled up at the lab at 3:45, filled to the brink with water and thinking I was about to burst! The technician that came back was a guy, which made me a little nervous, but turns out he was great.

He hurried through all the preliminary pics and data things with the external wand. He said he had been doing this for over 16 years and knew I was uncomfortable so he was trying to make sure it didn't take forever. THANK YOU Mr. Technician Guy! lol After those were done and I pee'd until I couldn't pee anymore, I went back in for the internal u/s. That's when magic happened!

He started off the same way, taking a few images. Then he turned the monitor towards me and said: "Well, there's your baby." There it was in all it's side-profile glory. I could clearly see a head and spine and arm and leg. Then he pointed to the screen and said "And that's your baby's heart beating."


He turned the screen again and took some more pics. He kept talking to me and the lady nurse in there with us so I never really got uncomfortable. He turned the screen again, but I didn't see anything. Then there was this sound... like a train. He said "That's your baby's heart beat." I started crying then. Tears just streaming down my face. I knew then everything was okay. See, my doctor had said I wouldn't get to hear the hear beat until week 11, so I didn't even imagine this was a possibility.

After a few more minutes and pictures, my tech said, "How about we check on your baby one more time before we go?" He flipped the wand a fraction and BAM! My baby had flipped too and it seemed like it was facing the wand now. It looked just like a white gummy bear. Its little head sitting up right. Both arms way out. Both legs spread way out. I felt like it was hugging me on the inside.

My baby was PERFECT! I was glad then that I had waited until almost 9 weeks to have the u/s done. I think I would have been anxious still if I had gone in earlier and just seen the tadpole or something. Seeing my actual baby... well now I feel amazing!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Telling the families

My boyfriend really wanted to wait until after the holidays to tell our families. It would put me past the three month mark. I was okay with that... Until I took another look at my work schedule! Turns out, I was going to have to tell my job about it a LOT sooner. See, where I work, we take x-rays and can run nitrous. Neither of these are good for a pregnant woman. So, right before Halloween, I told my boyfriend we would have to spill the beans before the end of the weekend.

On the Tuesday before Halloween, my bf told his mom. It was a very big deal to tell her because he knew how much it would mean to her. She was ecstatic! She called me later and told me how happy she was and she couldn't wait. We talked for a little bit about it and she just kept getting more and more excited. It still wasn't real to me, but I was glad to hear her that happy.

On Halloween day/night, my guy ended up getting sick... like really sick. We thought about going to the hospital to figure out what was wrong. We got all the way there. But I talked to my mom and dad (who either worked or still work in the medical field) plus a pharmacist at CVS. They all said to get fluids in him; that we didn't need to go to the hospital. We turned around and went to his mom's to see everyone. While we were there, I told everyone about the baby. His mom, aunt, stepmom, grandmother... everyone. Then the rest of the family came in from trick or treating and everyone started telling them... it was CHAOS! lol

My bf's younger brother came up and told me I had to tell him the news. I said "Well, you're going to be an uncle!" That's when I got my first hug ever from him!!! My bf's even younger sister came up and asked why everyone was congratulating me. I told her it was because she was going to be an aunt. She's only nine, but she was really excited about it!

Right after that, my guy started feeling worse so we headed home. We laid down and he just kept getting worse; so we drove to the hospital again. This time we went in and had him admitted. Turns out... he had possible food poisoning! What a way to share the news! lol

Fast forward a few days to Saturday. He still wasn't feeling well but I really wanted to tell my family. I mean, I would have to go into work on Monday and tell them and I wanted my family to know before work. I also didn't want to tell them on Sunday because I didn't think that would be enough time to really let it sink in for them.

We drove to my mom's. She lives really close so it wasn't a huge drive. We walked in and my uncle was there helping fix up some window sills the pups had destroyed over the years. My mom was fixing their dinner and running around the kitchen. I tried waiting until both my mom and stepdad were in the same room, but after about 30 minutes I realized that wasn't going to happen. So I told my mom we were going to go. As I gave her a hug, I told her "Oh, by the way, you're going to be a grandma next summer." She just looked at me and said "Why?" I said "Why do you think?" She really didn't get it! lol I then said "Mom, I'm pregnant!!" That's when it finally hit her.

After a few minutes, she went and got my stepdad and I asked him "Now, did you want to be grampa or Pop-pop Bob?" They were both so happy!
After that I made the phone calls. To my dad. To my sisters. To my dad's grandparents. There were some mixed reactions. I'll be honest. I still am confused by some of them, but at the end of the day, I know I am happy. My relationship is AMAZING. And I have support there when I need it from who I need it from.

Finding out

I waited a LONG while to tell my boyfriend about the possible baby. I didn't want him to freak out. So there I sat for almost two whole weeks. Wanting to buy the home tests, but not wanting to jinx it. And anytime something weird came up, some pregnancy symptom I didn't know how else to explain, my boyfriend would just look at me like I was nuts. And I guess I kind of was!

The Friday before we found out, my boyfriend asked again when I was "going to break." I broke down and told him I was supposed to break Saturday but I really thought I was pregnant. He just looked at me. Then he asked if I had taken any tests. I told him no because I didn't want to jinx anything or get my hopes up if it were wrong. He said, "Well, if you don't get it tomorrow, we'll run to the store and buy a test." I agreed.

The next day, Saturday, we drove to his cousin's playoff football game. I don't know how many times I wanted to run to the Port-A-Potty to check. I only went once! lol Then we went to dinner with his grandparents. I kept thinking about the test we were going to have to buy because it STILL wasn't here! We got home and I just wanted to fall asleep. He said we could still run and buy a test or get one first thing in the morning. I said I just wanted to sleep and we'd get one in the morning. I figured it would keep me from sneaking off in the middle of the night to test! lol

According to the time projected on the ceiling, I woke up at 4am Sunday morning. I laid there for almost an hour! I had to go soooo bad but knew I had to wait. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I told my bf I was going to run to the store. He asked if I wanted him to come with me. I said no, I was just going to run there and back. He should go back to sleep. When I got to the store, they said they didn't open until 6am!! I thought I was going to cry. Then I realized our clock had automatically "fell back" so it was really a few minutes before 6. They actually let me in a few minutes before. I ran straight for the section and picked up a box of three.

I  fought the urge to test right there at the store. I drove home as fast as I could. When I pulled up, the lights were on downstairs. It turns out he couldn't go back to sleep either. I walked in and he was playing Madden. I ran upstairs and he joked about he thought I would have tested at the store and I yelled back: "I almost did!" lol

I took two tests out of the package. I didn't want to take any chances. I left one for just in case. I laid them on the sink and sat on the top step--sort of hiding from the bathroom and my bf. I set the timer on my phone for three minutes. I can't remember breathing during those three minutes.

When it finally went off, I went to the bathroom and looked. There they were. Two pink lines on BOTH of them. Clear as day!! No denying it now: I was going to be a mommy!!

I ran down the stairs holding them out in front of me. I stood right in front of my guy. He was sitting on the coffee table and had paused his game, so I looked him in the eyes and said: "I WAS RIGHT!" lol He just kept looking at me. Then he said: "We're going to have a baby??" Hearing the word "We" and knowing he was just as shocked and happy as I was, made me know everything was going to be okay.

And that, my friends, is how we found out.

When I first thought "Maybe..."

October 17th.

That was the day I thought I might be pregnant. It was two days after I ovulated (according to the phone app thing; 4 days by my calculations). I was at work and suddenly felt really weird. I felt like I had to burp; which is weird because I'm NOT a gassy person!

Then I took a sip of my beloved Panera Ice Tea and immediately spit it out! lol. Most people I know have to have their morning coffee, but I had always been an iced tea person. I thought maybe it was the store, so I went next door and got a Popeye's iced tea. Yuck. Stopped at McDonald's after work and again---spit it out. I got home and tried to like the Keurig brand I had bought a few days earlier and liked. Nope. I couldn't get the stuff to go down my throat.

As I sat there, I thought back to the day before. I had gone out with my boyfriend for our 4 month anniversary (just an excuse to get out of the house). We went to lunch and then he surprised me with a trip to Barnes and Noble. He knows the way to my heart! lol We ended up going to his mom's house and she had asked me to wear this skirt we bought in Vegas a few weeks earlier. I didn't love the skirt, but I had promised to wear it so I tried to find something to wear. My guy kept making faces about what I chose and I got really upset!! In the car on the way to his mom's, I ended up getting really mad at him. He asked if I was "about to break" (boy code) and I snapped. I said "Of course that's it!! It couldn't possibly be that you are being a jerk! It couldn't possibly be that you really shouldn't tell me everything I wear looks like crap!!.... Oh and by the way: You just used your boy-card for the Month!!" lol.
Looking back on it the next day, there was NO REASON for me to get that upset! None! And I never fight. I a TERRIBLE fighter. If I get angry, I cry. I don't yell. It's not something I do. So for me to actually yell at him was just WEIRD!

Then came the fatigue. It seemed like if I sat for more than 20 minutes, I would fall asleep. And not a little nap; but the "shake me til you wake me" kind of sleep. I didn't really get it.

I logged onto a baby website to see what symptoms I had and if it was even possible. Turns out.... it was VERY possible. Heck, even LIKELY that I was pregnant. What a shock!

A New Me

My very first blog as an expecting mommy! It's the most amazing thing. It's something I always dreamed about but feared I would never get to experience. Now that it's here, I want to remember everything! Since they say pregnancy brain is not known for making remembering easy, I knew I had to start this blog!

The title of this blog, "I'll Love You Forever," comes from one of my favorite little kid's book. It was one I remember my grandmother reading to us when we were little. She said it was exactly how she felt about my dad. I knew I wanted some day to have that kind of love for my own baby, boy or girl.

I'll be putting quite a few blogs up in a row. I waited to do this until I hit my 3 month mark, so I have a few stories I want to share. From the moment I realized I might just be pregnant, to the moment it was confirmed; from weight issues to doctor appointments. I've already had a ton of memories!

Here's to the beginning!

Emmaleigh Grace

Emmaleigh Grace