The Holidays

Every morning I wake up and see my boyfriend off to work. (Sounds pleasant until you realize he LEAVES by 5am! lol) After that I spend a few minutes on Facebook, a few minutes on Yahoo News, and then some time on babycenter.com or posting a blog. The whole while I am sitting on the couch facing our Christmas tree. There are even a few presents under it!  Sometimes I even plug it in, even though it's morning, just so I can see how pretty it is. It's really peaceful.

Today is a rough one. I found out my stepdad's mom is being placed in hospice. It's a complete shock because the surgery she just had a few days ago (maybe a week) went great. Doctors all said she was doing good and everything should be okay. Last night I got a call from my stepdad saying the surgery part is still good, but the Alzheimer's-Dementia she's been living with has just taken over. There aren't any other options at this point.

This made me sad for sooo many reasons. The first is: I know how close my stepdad and his whole family are. They are the type of family who easily drive 2 hours (or more) just to spend a weekend together. They get together every year for almost every holiday, each family member having their "designated" holiday so no one forgets. Even with as busy as their lives are, they always made time to go see their mom in her assisted living home, take her out for a few hours, spend time with her. I think she had one of her kids there every single day. They are just that close.

Another reason is that this has to happen right before Christmas. This is a time where people are supposed to be celebrating. "Happy," "Merry," and "Joy" are all thrown around a lot at this time of year. And my family has this going on. I know they'll be as strong as they can for the little ones, but even that is hard.

And still there's the fact that my Grandma Weis will probably never meet my baby. My cousin on my stepdad's side had a little girl a few months back, but they live in Seattle, so I don't know if my grandma ever met her first great-grandbaby. And she won't meet her second.

It just doesn't seem fair. A family that is so good to each other, and others, shouldn't have this going on right now. I know there's never a "good time" for something like this to happen, and she had been getting progressively worse since her diagnosis; but still. At Christmas??

In grad school, my friend Gaby and I were partners in a case study; our subjects were persons with Alzheimer's-Dementia. I thought having that clinical knowledge and having witnessed it years ago with my Nammers, I would be more prepared for this. I'm not though. I'm just sitting here in front of my Christmas Tree, feeling sort of numb because right now I don't want to face what I am going to do this weekend.

I am going to drive to Wisconsin and say "goodbye" to a woman who, 13 years ago, welcomed me and my sisters so easily and so quickly into her family. We were "steps" by marriage, but she NEVER made it feel that way. Even at her worst moments, she would always look at me and know I was a part of her family, even if she couldn't remember exactly who I was or how I fit.

She was family. Since that very cold Christmas Day back in 1999. When we drove up to her house for the first time and fell in 4feet of snow. And ate polish sausage and ketchup for breakfast. And watched "White Christmas" while Grandpa Weis told us how the song "White Christmas" was sung in "Holiday Inn" before it was sung in the title movie.

All those years ago. And now I have to say goodbye. It's hard for me.

I can't even imagine how everyone else is handling it.