Catching Up

I know it's been awhile. The thing is, it's getting harder and harder to find the energy to up-date this blog as often. Not just because I am constantly chasing after my toddling 10 month old (YIKES!). No, mostly it's because one of my biggest reasons for keep this blog was so my Pappy could stay up-to-date on Emma. He and my Grammy lived so far away and couldn't get out here much, so I thought having this blog would allow them to keep up with her fun stories and new activities. Now that he's gone, a huge gust of wind has blown my sail right over, toppling me, making me struggle to even view this blog. When I open up my internet, I have 5 "home pages" automatically pop up. This is one of them. Each time is a reminder Pappy isn't here for me to share my stories with anymore. I'd have the whole post mentally prepped out in my mind of what I'm going to write, open the internet, see that tab at the top, and stop. I couldn't force myself to actually click on it to start the post.

Today, when I feel the worst I have felt in as long as I can remember (fever, migraine, sore throat, dizzy, whole body feels like it is shutting down), today is the day I decide to actually bring everyone up to date! haha So here are some fun new moments with Emma.

• She is talking, like a lot! I can never remember what I've already said so here is a list of her vocabulary to date: Mama (more often than not I get called "Mum" though!), Dada, no, uh-oh, again, more, mamaw & nonna, baba, num-num. 
• She knows who people are. She knows I am "Mum," her daddy is "dada," my mom is "mamaw" and her daddy's mom is "nonna." On Easter, her daddy came into her room to get her from her crib. She was playing happily in her crib when she looked up at him and said "OH! Hi Da!" She puts actual sentences together!!
• When I ask if she is hungry she will smack her lips together or start chanting "Num num. Num num." She also knows when the microwave goes off, it more than likely is her bottle and she starts flapping her arms and shrieking.
• She is a speed demon crawler. She can get anywhere now and wants to get there quickly!
• She climbs the stairs. Remind me to thank whomever taught her to do that. Sheesh!
• She is trying to walk. The most she has taken is two consecutive steps. Then she freezes because we are all excited and holding our breath. She gets nervous, plops down, laughs, and then starts crawling to wherever it was she wanted to go. The only bad thing about this whole "trying to walk" thing is she is constantly falling down and bumping her butt on things. She is a little daredevil though and doesn't seem to care. Sometimes she cries, but only because she thinks we will pick her up.
• She throws the ball to where she wants it to go. She picks it up, aims, and throws. Like to a person. Today for example, she aimed right for me and hit me 4 out of 5 times. (The time she missed was because we were all laughing so hard, she started laughing and when she went to throw it her other hand hit it.) I think it was John Cusak in the movie Martian Child where he said "The Professional Baseball players just have to hit 3 out of 10. And if they do just a little better, just a tiny bit better, than they are superstars." Well, I guess my girl is a SUPERSTAR!!! 
• She is such a girly girl. She loves her doll. See, before Christmas, her Nonna and I were at my favorite store and walking down the toy aisle. Emma has NEVER before (and never since) actively reached for a toy I hadn't put in front of her. But that day she saw this little dolly and she was freaking out. So of course we got it for her. She has gotten a few other dolls since then, but she always wants this doll. She goes looking for it in her toy bins in the living room.  
• She also loves stuffed animals. She has a little seahorse that stays in her crib overnight. The other morning, I got her out of her crib and she was clutching her seahorse. I changed her diaper and then went to take her downstairs to play. She still had the seahorse! She gets in these "moods" kind of where she wants a specific toy and that's it.
• Sophia the First. That is her favorite thing right now. I can't believe it since she is only 10 months old, but this girl has chosen Princess Sophia as her favorite thing right now. She has a little doll, some jammies, all kinds of things. I even went ahead and bought her a Princess Sophia Halloween basket. It's really a little Easter basket, but it was on sale for $3 in the after-Easter clearance. 
• She hides things now. We have to be super careful about what we put down and where because she will "clean up" for us. She has hidden her daddy's cell phone in her bouncy ball dino game. She has also hidden his PS4 remotes in there! Then there are our TV and other remotes. She plays with those and then "puts them away" but she doesn't put them away where they are easy to find!! She is a lot like me in that she likes to "clean up." 
• We recently got a shelving system with plastic tubs for her toys. Now she is able to see almost all her toys and decide for herself what she wants to play with. We also have the rubber floor puzzle pieces as a playmat in the living room. So now she will go, grab a toy, and take it back to the mat to play with it! I have taught her well!!!
• She shakes her head No. 
• She waves hi and bye on command. Her doctor told me she is actually really advanced in that regard. They told me usually babies wave just because they have learned how. They don't normally understand "bye bye" and wave on command until almost 15 months.
• She dances!! When she learned to stand on her own, she also learned she could dance!! She kind of looks like a mix between Elvis and a bird! She pulls her shoulders back, cocks her elbows, pulls her arms back and bounces. Sometimes she puts one arm above her head and bounces. Sometimes she squats a little, sticks one leg in front of her, and bounces that way. 
• She loves the Talking Tomcat app. Every time I  click on it, she smiles really big and starts laughing. She is such a whiz with the phone in general!

Okay, that is it for now. Maybe I'll get back into this sooner rather than later. But it really is hard. It's hard to know these stories aren't going to be read by so many people who loved us and waited so long to meet Emma. People who wanted her as much as I did. I'll get better. I know it. It's just a LOT harder than I thought it would be.

Seriously God? Just stop now

I'm done. I can't take anymore losses. In Emma's VERY short life, she has lost so many people already. At two and a half months she lost 2 great-grandmas. My Mamaw Pearl and her Daddy's stepdad's mom. This past January she lost her great-grandpa Stan. And today she lost her great-grandpa: my Pappy.

This morning started out so good too! That's what is surreal. I mean, we woke up. I made her Daddy a full breakfast of oatmeal and eggs; normally he gets oatmeal and a protein shake because we are strapped for time. I packed his lunch. Then we got to sit and talk for about 20 minutes before he left. Right as he was about to leave, Emma woke up. I brought her down and she saw her Daddy and started flailing her arms and laughing, and had the biggest smile ever. She gave him the biggest hug and laid her head on his chest. When I went to take her so he could leave, she started bawling and clutching at him. It was the cutest sight ever.

Anyways, fast forward 45 minutes. I get a text from my dad telling me to call him ASAP. Honestly, I know when I saw "Text Message: Dad" pop up on the screen. I prayed I was wrong, but I knew. Then I called... and he could barely choke out the words. I broke down immediately. I just kept saying "But I talked to him two days ago. I talked to him two days ago!"

See, Wednesday night I was getting dinner and called my Grammy and talked to her. At the end of the call she said my Pappy wanted to talk to me. He asked when we were going to come see him. I told him with my new job I was going to have to work out the schedule with my boss and Emma's daddy was going to have to take his vacation days, but we were planning on going to see them next month--when the weather got nicer. He said that would be nice. Then he told  me a few stories (he was such a story-teller) and we ended the call. I went home that night and told Emma's Daddy we needed to start thinking about taking that trip next month.

Too Late.
Always too late.

I'm so mad. I can't help it. I'm mad at God for taking all these people away from my daughter. With all the terrible, horrible, good for nothings out there---WHY TAKE THESE PEOPLE???? These were good people. People who loved their families. People who made us laugh and smile and want to go see them again.

I'm so MAD!! I'm mad that Emma will NEVER get to make memories with these people. Am I sad for myself? Of course. I'm human and selfish. BUT. I am so sad and mad and frustrated for my daughter. She will NEVER EVER have memories with these amazing people. At least I have memories with them. Why take that chance away from her???


***
If there is one good thing to be taken from this, it's: At least Emma got to spend some time with each of these people before they left us. She saw each of them once. Only once. But at least I will have the memories of each of those visits. Memories and stories to share with her as she grows.

Unexpected Late Night "Visitor"

I totally believe in spirits. In family members who have gone coming back and visiting us during major life events--and sometimes just because. I believe this because it has happened to me several times.

One of the first times happened 6 years ago. We found out in March 2007 my Uncle Timmy was really sick; he had cancer. I was interning at the University of Alabama at the time, right up until a few days before my graduation. I planned on leaving a few days early to go see him, because they were saying he probably wouldn't make it much longer. On May 3rd, my Dad drove down to Alabama to help me move out of my dorm apartment. I had planned on driving straight from Tuscaloosa, AL to Cincinnati, OH--a 7 hour drive. My Dad said I should grab a bite to eat with him before I drove straight through. We were sitting in TGI Fridays when my mom called my cell and asked to speak to my dad. That wasn't a good sign. She told my Dad my Uncle Timmy had passed away. I missed him by one day. I was devastated. I was like 3 or 4 days away from graduating--something my Uncle had always wanted for me. I still drove to Cincinnati, but for his funeral instead of his bedside. That same day I had to drive back to walk in my ceremony the next day.

It really hurt to know my Uncle, a man who had always supported me and who had even helped me find confidence in myself through officiating softball, wouldn't be there. I sat through my graduation ceremony. My Aunt and cousins (my Uncle Timmy's wife and sons) sat in the bleachers of Diddle Arena and witnessed with my family what my Uncle Timmy couldn't. Then something miraculous happened.

President Gary Ransdall, the president of my undergraduate school, quoted the lyrics from Rod Stewart's "Forever Young." My Uncle's song. The song that, every time it came on the radio, he would blare it and make us all stop and listen. My Uncle made my graduation! He must have known there was no way in his physical state he would have been able to make it when he was alive. So he made sure he made it in death. I remember walking out of my ceremony and the first person I came to was my Aunt. I walked straight up to her and said "Well, Uncle Timmy made it." She looked back at me and said "He sure did. He wouldn't have missed it for the world."

Since then, I have only heard His Song a few times on the radio. Always right when I needed to. When I gave birth to my daughter, one of the first thoughts I had our first night with her, after visiting hours were over and every one had left our room, was a sad one. I was sad because there were members of our families Emma would never meet. She would never meet her uncle on her daddy's side, her older brother, her grandma's dad, my Aunt Kim, my stepdad's mom and dad, my Uncle Junior, my Uncle Bill, my Papaw Lawrence, my Nammers or Beer Pap to name a few... and she would never meet my Uncle Timmy.

I seemed to have forgotten how powerful these spirits can be. How determined they can be to make it for those major life moments. Because my Uncle Timmy did come to see my little girl.

Two nights ago, I could NOT get Emma to calm down. She was fussy... didn't need to eat... didn't need a diaper change... She was just fussy. I took her downstairs with me while I switched the laundry over. I turned my iPod on random so there was some music going. Then "Forever Young" came on. And she stopped fussing. She and I danced around the basement for the whole song.

I know in my heart that was my Uncle Timmy coming to meet my little girl.

And I know he loved her.

Really Tough Decision Made

Today sucks.

For a while now, my boyfriend and I have been trying to figure out the best way to make everything nice in the house, while having a dog who is used to doing what he wants. Seemed it didn't matter what we did, we were fighting a losing battle.

See, my pup is a chewer. And he has a little bit of a Napoleon complex. So if another dog walked by our bay window, Jax would run to it, put his paws on the little ledge at the bottom, bark, claw into the wood, and sometimes he really wanted to show how tough he was and would chew on the window sill. Then he'd run to the sliding door (also made of wood) and do the same thing.

He also had a problem with "going" in the basement. He's smart enough to know that he can't go on the carpet, because that I can't clean up. But the basement is all wood flooring which is easier to clean, so he'd go there.

My guy would try to discipline Jax whenever he'd see the window, but Jax wouldn't even go near the window when we were home! So disciplining him wasn't that effective. And we'd gate the stairs to the basement, but then we had to use that gate on the window... so he was back to going to the basement. It got to the point where we were kenneling him all day, so he couldn't do something that would get him in trouble.

Next issue: My dog is a SOCIAL dog. He loves to be around other dogs and play. Well we just had him. So he was home alone all day. Then we'd get home from working and just want to relax for the 3 hours or so before we go to bed. Now, since Jax was in his kennel all day, we didn't want to put him in there at night too. So he was sleeping in our bed. Which meant that I wasn't sleeping anymore.

Being 6 months pregnant, it's hard enough to sleep I hear. I am a really light sleeper on top of that.

So today I did something I know is the right decision: I took Jax to my mom's. She's going to keep him now. And it breaks my heart.

I cried when I dropped him off. I cried when I walked in and he wasn't there to greet me. I cried when my boyfriend's telling me we'll figure out a way to keep Jax--even going so far as to promise to get another dog if it'll make me and Jax happy. I know he's just saying that because he doesn't want to see me sad. Because we both know another dog isn't the answer.

I know I did the right thing. Because it's not the selfish thing. See, if I were being selfish, I would have kept him.... because he made me happy. Keeping him would make ME happy. But Jax wouldn't be happy. I could tell he was lonely. That's why he acted out probably. And my guy wouldn't be happy. Not really. Because he's working really hard on our home. Making it nice. Putting touches around so it feels like a home we can bring Emma to. And with Jax chewing and scratching and everything, well my guy was getting frustrated. I understand his frustration. It's completely valid.

Doesn't mean letting go of my dog is any easier. It should be. I should be happy knowing I made the best decision for him. But I miss him soo much already. I've had him for 4 years and love him so much. It's because I love him that much that I'm not driving over to my mom's RIGHT NOW to get him (even though my bf said I should/could).  

So I know today--and tomorrow, and probably the next day--are going to royally suck. 

He's a cool dude!

The look I got every time I asked if he wanted to go for a walk.

At Christmas

Me and Jax

He's seriously smiled for the camera!

How does this happen??

It has taken me almost an entire week to write this blog. Every time I tried to finish up the post on the anatomy scan, it made me think of what happened last week, and especially Saturday, and I just couldn't get the words out. Today I am making myself write this. I hope it helps me somehow. Most people who read this will probably not know the person I'm talking about. They won't really get this. And that's okay.

Last Tuesday, February 26th, a good friend of mine was shot. Not the kind of shot like he got caught in a crossfire. Not the kind of shot where he attacked someone. No. The kind of shot where some jackwad driver got upset with him, stepped out of his car holding his gun, walked up to Brandon's car, and shot him three times. Yeah. The utterly defenseless kind of shot. And three times.

Now this alone makes me angry. But it gets more ... there's really no word to explain it. The jackwad is trying to say he was defending himself from Brandon. Oh yeah. A man sitting locked and strapped in his truck is really scary and intimidating. This guy claimed Brandon had a gun. Well, when the cops checked Brandon's person and vehicle there was NOTHING!!! So how did this person feel threatened enough to justify shooting a man SITTING IN HIS CAR???

And then there's still more: The man who shot my friend was an off-duty security officer. A rent-a-cop. Who couldn't hold down a job in the field for very long. He had been a security guard for about 4 different companies and let go from all of them. Says something to me. When the cops came to the scene of the crime, they interviewed this guy... AND LET HIM GO!!! WHAT? Are you kidding me? Even if he is claiming self-defense, anyone else who shoots someone in broad daylight would be taken in for questioning. They would be held. Not this guy. He walked away from this. Went home to his wife. And nothing has been done to him.

Brandon fought for his life for four whole days. He ultimately gave in and gave up to the Lord. On Saturday, March 2nd, at 10:10am, Brandon passed away. He leaves behind his wife and three sons. His youngest son was just 2 weeks old at the time.

I sit here every morning and get on facebook. I look at Brandon's page, and those pages remembering and honoring him. I watch the videos people have made of him. For him. I spend an hour of my day crying, missing this person who was just SUCH a good person. He played in a Christian Rock Band. He fought in Afghanistan. He led the youth theatre in our hometown.

I met Brandon in 7th grade. Even back then, he was just such a FUN person. He played football, but he wasn't like the stereotypical football players. He didn't fit into any of those molds, on TV or movies or anything. He always had a smile on his face. Always. He was kind to everyone. When we got to high school, he got into drama and speech. I wasn't involved in any of those but we stayed friends for the next four years.

One of my last face-to-face conversations came when we were in college, way back in 2006 I think. He was about to be shipped overseas. We messaged each other and said it would be fun to catch up. He told me about his wife. Their new baby Nolan. His deployment. What he had been getting into since we graduated. I remember sitting in DUC and just enjoying time with my friend.

I never saw him again. Not in person. He went overseas. I went to the University of Alabama for my internship, then Florida International University for grad school. He came home and raised his family with his wife. They had another baby boy: Evan. I went to work in Texas for a bit. I moved to Illinois to be around my family up here. We messaged on facebook a few times. I loved seeing what plays and productions he had coming up with the youth. He'd post videos of his band. Let everyone know what they were doing. He ran for Constable last November and it was fun seeing that side of him too.

There are some days I wonder if I should just give up my facebook. Sometimes the drama on there is frustrating. After last week, I know that's just not gonna happen anytime soon. I am sooo thankful for the past 7 years of being able to stay friends with Brandon even though we lived so far apart. I know there will still be drama on there. People will say stupid things. But ultimately, it keeps me active in the lives of those people I grew up with.

Brandon, I miss you. Every day. I find myself sitting alone crying because I hate what was done to you. I am thankful you were my friend. I am thankful for the past 15 years of knowing you. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Right up to your very last breath you were a shining example for your sons. You fought and showed strength. You died and showed faith in God. You gave your organs to 8 people and showed compassion. Thank you B-Rad. Love and miss you buddy.

Every. Single. Day.

Rock out in Heaven, man.

 Brandon with his family before baby Conner was born.

My friend.

For Gramma Weis

The day that we first met
We hardly knew your name,
But you quickly loved us
So it was easy to do the same.

You remembered all the bdays
& always had a Christmas card.
Feeling like your family
Suddenly wasn't so very hard.

For thirteen years you're grandma
Seems it's always been that way,
Which makes it harder now
To say the things I need to say.

But grandpa will be waiting-
Of that I have no doubt-
Standing at the gates of heaven
To show you all about.

You'll dance to songs by angels
And move about with grace,
Swaying with your soul mate
In his arms-your rightful place

Today I say "Goodbye Grandma"
And "I'll see you soon."
I'll look for you in stars, Grandma
& watch you dancing on the moon.

A picture of Gramma Weis at my mom's surprise birthday party a few years back.

The Holidays

Every morning I wake up and see my boyfriend off to work. (Sounds pleasant until you realize he LEAVES by 5am! lol) After that I spend a few minutes on Facebook, a few minutes on Yahoo News, and then some time on babycenter.com or posting a blog. The whole while I am sitting on the couch facing our Christmas tree. There are even a few presents under it!  Sometimes I even plug it in, even though it's morning, just so I can see how pretty it is. It's really peaceful.

Today is a rough one. I found out my stepdad's mom is being placed in hospice. It's a complete shock because the surgery she just had a few days ago (maybe a week) went great. Doctors all said she was doing good and everything should be okay. Last night I got a call from my stepdad saying the surgery part is still good, but the Alzheimer's-Dementia she's been living with has just taken over. There aren't any other options at this point.

This made me sad for sooo many reasons. The first is: I know how close my stepdad and his whole family are. They are the type of family who easily drive 2 hours (or more) just to spend a weekend together. They get together every year for almost every holiday, each family member having their "designated" holiday so no one forgets. Even with as busy as their lives are, they always made time to go see their mom in her assisted living home, take her out for a few hours, spend time with her. I think she had one of her kids there every single day. They are just that close.

Another reason is that this has to happen right before Christmas. This is a time where people are supposed to be celebrating. "Happy," "Merry," and "Joy" are all thrown around a lot at this time of year. And my family has this going on. I know they'll be as strong as they can for the little ones, but even that is hard.

And still there's the fact that my Grandma Weis will probably never meet my baby. My cousin on my stepdad's side had a little girl a few months back, but they live in Seattle, so I don't know if my grandma ever met her first great-grandbaby. And she won't meet her second.

It just doesn't seem fair. A family that is so good to each other, and others, shouldn't have this going on right now. I know there's never a "good time" for something like this to happen, and she had been getting progressively worse since her diagnosis; but still. At Christmas??

In grad school, my friend Gaby and I were partners in a case study; our subjects were persons with Alzheimer's-Dementia. I thought having that clinical knowledge and having witnessed it years ago with my Nammers, I would be more prepared for this. I'm not though. I'm just sitting here in front of my Christmas Tree, feeling sort of numb because right now I don't want to face what I am going to do this weekend.

I am going to drive to Wisconsin and say "goodbye" to a woman who, 13 years ago, welcomed me and my sisters so easily and so quickly into her family. We were "steps" by marriage, but she NEVER made it feel that way. Even at her worst moments, she would always look at me and know I was a part of her family, even if she couldn't remember exactly who I was or how I fit.

She was family. Since that very cold Christmas Day back in 1999. When we drove up to her house for the first time and fell in 4feet of snow. And ate polish sausage and ketchup for breakfast. And watched "White Christmas" while Grandpa Weis told us how the song "White Christmas" was sung in "Holiday Inn" before it was sung in the title movie.

All those years ago. And now I have to say goodbye. It's hard for me.

I can't even imagine how everyone else is handling it.