I'm not naive enough to think every moment will be easy or everything will be fine every moment of every day. And there are times when I am just flat out scared. Right now, I see the countdowns and I start to hyperventilate some. As of today, we are 49 days away from her due date. Yeah, that's right. FORTY NINE! That's insane to me. Think about it: Pregnant women start out with something like 280 days of pregnancy. And now I only have 49!
I'm afraid I'm not going to get everything done that needs to be done before she gets here. I look in her room, which still needs the "final touches": pictures hung on the wall, images painted, clock hung... things like that. Plus I don't have some of the things I want, let alone everything I know I need for her. I'm scared I don't have enough diapers and wipes. I don't have the glider for rocking her, reading to her, nursing her, just sitting in the quiet with her. I don't have the onesies I need or burp cloths. We haven't bought any bottles for when her daddy wants to feed her.
Everyone is telling me to calm down. Everything will be alright. I will have all the things I need by the time she gets here. But I'm me. I'm a planner. I don't do waiting very well. I wanted to have her room all set up at like 20 weeks! LOL Obviously that didn't happen. (wouldn't really be feasible since no one has a baby shower by 20 weeks, and that's when you get most of the things you need). I realized I had to wait until the shower to get those things I need. I put off buying things because everyone told me to. They said to wait so I've tried waiting. But it's getting crunch time and I'm worried I won't have everything ready. I'm hoping some friends will be able tom come in next weekend and finish up the decorating in Emma's room. I'm also hoping that I'll be able to reorganize the kitchen to make room for all the things we will need.
Then there are the other things that scare me. I'm scared of failing. Failing her. I know there's no "right way" to parent and I will make mistakes, but I'm also terrified BECAUSE I know this. I'm scared of making sure everything gets done. Cleaning the house, making the meals, taking care of her, taking time out for my boyfriend, any time for myself (even just to read a book), family- and friend-time.... They say it's impossible to make everyone happy, that to try will drive you insane. But my personality is just that: I want to make sure the people I care about are taken care of and happy. Joining two families is difficult in and of itself. But adding a new baby that EVERYONE is going to want to see and hang out with... suddenly there's a lot more pressure and variables.
I don't know why all this is weighing on me today. Maybe it's because my birthday is only 27 days away. And after that, it's not too much longer until she's due. Maybe it's because I'm stressing about having to change doctors this late in the game. Maybe it's because all of a sudden I have people asking me what the plans are for our future. And I don't have the answers to that. I have never been the person to not have the answers. But I'm realizing more and more how that's the case. And I don't particularly like it.
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