Apparently I have been trying to take on too much. Go figure!
I try really hard to keep my home clean but it seems to catch up with me. Laundry, bottles, diapers, dishes... they can really start to stack up if you aren't careful. And it's easy enough to let your guard down when you are sleeping a lot less than normal. (Or not at all sometimes.) Considering how OCD I can be, this has been a really tough thing to accept.
I look around my living room. It is filled with a baby swing, a Rock N Play, a playmat, a tub with diaper-changing necessities... plus all the normal Living Room things... and a basket of Laundry I still need to fold. My kitchen is being threatened to be taken over with bottles and the car seat (easier to get her in it and to the car if it's in the kitchen) and mail. Sometimes I don't want to make our bed because it's so inviting to get back into when it is messy! lol
But then I take another look. My living room is filled with a baby swing, a Rock N Play, a playmat, and a tub with diaper-changing necessities. My kitchen is filled with bottles and a car seat. My bed is rumpled (more from lack of sleep--getting in and out of bed every few hours through the night). These are all indicators, reminders of the precious baby I gave birth to a little over 2 weeks ago. The adorable bundle of joy who fills our lives and hearts. Seeing her smiles, seeing her stick her little tongue out. Feeling her grab our fingers and try to pull herself up. Watching her little legs kick and stretch, as she tries to get up and moving (ALREADY!)... All these moments fill my days and make my drive to clean the house diminish. Somewhat.
But let's be honest. You cannot change who you are completely. I am someone who likes having a clean home. So striking a balance between watching her grow and cleaning my home is still something I am working on. Both fill me with immense pride and joy, but I have yet to manage the balance I want.
Then there's the actual "work" I am trying to do. The "job" I am trying to do in addition to watching Emma and cleaning my home. I want to make things as easy on my family as I can. I don't want to have my guy work endlessly so that he can financially support us while I am on UNPAID Maternity Leave. I want to watch him with Emma. I want him to get moments with her like I get. In order for that to happen, I have to find a way to bring in some income. I have to work.
My problem is that I am used to working 40+ hours a week, minimum. In actuality, in undergrad and grad school--so most of my adult life-- I would work more like 70 hours a week between my jobs. Now, with me in the "real world" and at an office that doesn't really allow overtime, I typically work right up to the 40 hours marker. These days, I have to re-frame my mindset. I cannot physically work 40 hours. There's no way! I am usually running on about 3-4 hours of sleep (when Emma is sleeping through well through the night). Add in the cleaning I mentioned earlier, and all the time spent with visitors, and there's NOT 40 hours left in the week! There's just not!
And speaking of visitors... I am doing a TERRIBLE job of making sure Emma gets out and about to see her family. They all live so close, but sometimes--at the end of the day--I look back on the day and realize she didn't see anyone but me and her daddy that day. It can make me feel a little disappointed in myself. Like I am failing her AND the family. I know they all want to see her all the time. I know they all love her and want to shower her with kisses and hugs and squeezes. This is even more evident when we finally do get out and see them. Like last night. We took her to her Gma's house for her great-gma's birthday. And her little cousin-who's 3- was ECSTATIC to see her. He ran right up and took my jacket off, making sure we were staying a while. Then he immediately wanted to change her diaper. And put baby lotion on her. And love on her. He kept coming up to me and saying "Em-ma. Em-ma." He loves her so much and it broke my heart a little to know he hadn't spent a lot of time with her because I hadn't gotten out of the house much.
Wednesday night I had a mini meltdown. I was EXHAUSTED! (Emma hadn't slept at all the night before). I had been at my mom's all day working and helping her. I forgot to pack a lunch and didn't want to order food (trying to save money), so I was starving. I get home and see the mess that my home was starting to become. It was also upwards of 90-100 degrees that day, so I was dealing with that too. And Emma. Emma didn't recognize my mom's house or the dogs there, so she wouldn't let me set her down for almost 3 hours! Have you ever tried to do computer work while holding an 8lb baby? Shew!
Anyways, like I said-with all that going on, I had a mini meltdown. My boyfriend looked at me and said that I need to cut back on working. He said I need to take these few weeks off completely. We'd find a way to make it work. Well, tuns out a lot of people think the same thing. Even my mom. So, while I'm not going to completely stop working, we are definitely going to cut WAY BACK on the number of hours I work.
And I am going to work really hard to not feel guilty about not being "productive." Whether that's in regards to work-work, or house-work.
No comments:
Post a Comment